It’s somewhat stoic. For me, I had to learn to let that shit go. All that craziness that came with being a drunk. Getting sober and realizing you were not crazy. You knew exactly what was going on and people were making you think you were crazy but yet you end up sober only to realize you are bat shit crazy from people telling you that you were bat shit crazy and you were trying to tell yourself you know you are not crazy, maybe drunk, but you know what you know. Yet, you continue to drink because it somehow will help you to forget the craziness of ten million voices in your head speaking all at the same time. Then you cannot just stop because the band of demons in your head are up for an all-nighter, and they are partying hard and out to destroy your mind. The mission then becomes to only get drunk for what? To cry yourself into a complete utter fucking mess knowing the events that are causing you to drink are not true, but someone is telling you that you are crazy and the voices say you are crazy. All the voices..  you are crazy, you are fat, you will never be skinny enough, you are a terrible mother, a terrible daughter, a terrible sister, a terrible sister-in-law, a terrible niece, a terrible aunt, a terrible friend. You are good for nothing. Noone has time for your whiny shit as ex=husband and new perfect skinny wife are trying to destroy you. Making you think you a are crazy. Trying to steal the one and only thing that has ever mattered to you. FUCK THEM ALL AND THIS DRUNK FUCKING LIFE, RIGHT?????

Who wants to live through all this chaos! Fuck it! Only an addict could understand that rant!

A friend relapsed. We met in rehab. We were roommates. We hit it off from day one. Why you ask? Because we were OCD clean drunk freaks. We made a pact with each other before leaving rehab that we would be each other’s Thelma and Louise for alcohol support. We made up a drink that if we are given bad news about life we are going out with a blaze of glory. Liquor, Metamucil and a shot of milk of magnesium. When you are an alcoholic, you have to find ways to laugh. Especially when you are in rehab. There’s a lot of crying but there is also a lot of laughter from some of the stupid shit you do. 

Thank God as we left rehab we kept our pact and were never off the wagon at the same time. The best part was for the next two years we would have more sober days than drunk days. I would have my last rock bottom April 14, 2023. I. talked to my girl before I left for my last rehab. Upon my return she fell off the wagon shortly after to have her last drink on July 1, 2023. 

We were both sailing through sobriety. I was all about Jesus and who He says I AM. My girl wasn’t hearing the music. However, she did decide to start going to church with her family. Doing church and believing in Jesus are two different things. 

While I was celebrating two years sobriety, my girl, is only texting about busy life. I’m not thinking. I get a short text on June 2 at 12:33PM… Hey, I’ve relapsed. That’s it. Nothing more. My heart sank. Call me. I love you. Are you in rehab? Nothing. I immediately call. Nothing! I spent the day praying and crying.

The next day my girl called me. She was out of her mind. Hot mess. Drunk 10 sheets to the wind, crying, blubbering mess. I did not know what to do. How easy it is to finally walk away from the addiction with Jesus by your side and forget how terrible life was just a little over 2 years ago. How can I help my friend?

I had to go back. In sincere prayer I asked the Lord to remind me so I could reach my friend. All that shit. All that pain. The memories. THE ALCOHOL!!! The insanity of not being able to stop once you start. The fucking head games when that band of demons starts up playing in your head. I had to do this for my girl. I felt like I was with her 100%. I was feeling it. The frustration of actually going back to rehab. The shakes, the throwing up, the anxiety, the shitting and pissing on yourself because you cannot control anything. The body is shutting down and my girl barely made it to the hospital before her body gave up to alcohol. 

My girl is home and she is sober. I am walking through these next few months with her. In so doing I am having to relive all the past shit that drove me to a bottomless pit of liquor!

As I am praying like crazy for my girl I’m only focused on the after. What comes after the relapse. How long you go through detox. Those feelings. Those emotions. What comes next. Let’s figure out the problem. When did things start changing? What was the moment when you said fuck it, I just need a drink?

She’s the first I AM AND ME woman. She is also reminding me of things I need to walk back into in order to help women. To get sober I had to walk away from all of it. To begin this journey with I AM AND ME I must remember it now. Because NOW I have what it takes to deal with it all and not pick up a drink. Now I know I must run to the Lord and cry out to Him to help me. 

Then I get another blow! This one was personal. Someone I love made a quick sharp jab at me. A comment that was not received well by me. A comment that this person was out of line to say to me. Someone who does not suffer from addiction doesn’t understand a trigger. 

WOW!!!! Was I ever triggered! Except there was zero desire for a drink. I’ve spent over 24 hours remembering painful shit. The beginning. Where it all started. The pain. The hatred. The lack of understanding what was going on right in front of my eyes. I’ve remembered so much. With all those memories have come serious emotions. I have cried so much that my face is puffy. I can’t eat. I am anxious to the point of feeling the inside shakes of anxiety. People trying to tell me something about my life. A life they never walked. A life they have NEVER experienced. A long, dark path of destruction. The enemy slithering and eating away at you. Devouring everything you are. Stealing everything you love. Smiling, laughing, hissing, stinging, never letting up. This mother fucker aims to kill you!!! These demons pack punches. They don’t play fair and they use anyone in your life they can to help break you down. 

BUT SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT TODAY!!!!!!!

Today I take shots of Jesus. I turn His word up into my mouth and I drink it. When I cry, I plead for Jesus to get me through the head space I can fall into. Knowing the enemy is still prowling around, hissing, mad as hell than I am surviving. The enemy will never let me go so I must be prepared with the armor of the Lord. I must seek the Lord. I’ve sat around feeling all this past emotional bullshit and the only reason I didn’t turn to the bottle is because Jesus healed me from that. I know I can feel all the bullshit when the enemy starts attacking me because I know now, I must run to the one who saves me. 

It has sucked feeling all these emotions the last few weeks, but I have embraced them all because I know my Lord is going to use my story to change women’s lives. 

When one is too many and 100 is not enough. There are 2 that can change it all I AM AND ME!!!

Truly I say to you before Abraham was, I AM! John 8:58


THIS BOTTLE IS NOT WORTH IT BUT I KEEP IT CLOSE. Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. 

CHEERS TO SOBRIETY AND JESUS!